The Heist
A story in Goblin
A goblin tugs your sleeve in the market and makes you the worst best offer of your life.
You feel the tug on your sleeve before you see him: knee-high, grinning, wearing three hats stacked on top of each other. Your first instinct is to check your coin purse. It's already in his hand, held out to you, returned — a goblin demonstrating good faith, which every merchant in the square would tell you is the most dangerous thing a goblin can do.
the goblin
Hey-hey! Oy-oy!
Hello.
You
…That's my purse. Also — why can I understand you?
He taps a little brass earring, clearly stolen and clearly enchanted — a universal translator charm, doing its honest best with whatever goblin grammar is. He watches your face with enormous yellow eyes, and then, apparently deciding you have passed some kind of test, leans in conspiratorially.
the goblin
Me looky-look yooz-iz shiny-shiny. Yooz-pretty shiny-shiny, happy-happy shiny-shiny. Shiny-shiny wants-in smart-iz buddy-buddy, not big-big yooz-pocket!
I see your gold. Pretty gold, happy gold. Gold wants a smart friend, not a big pocket.
You
The gold you just handed back to me. What's your game, little thief?
You start to walk away. He scurries sideways to stay in front of you, talking faster now, hats wobbling.
the goblin
Me know-know gobby-sneaky doaz-oo. Itsy-bitsy doaz-oo, dark-oo doaz-oo, undaz-y big-big-big-big house-y. Itsy-nobody knows-y da-ting. Only-y me. Only-y yooz right-now-now!
I know a sneaky door. Small door, dark door, under the big-big house. Nobody knows it. Only me. Only you now.
You
A sneaky door into WHERE, exactly?
the goblin
Us-lot sneaky-take da-ting yooz-togedaz. Yooz big-big, me itsy-bitsy. Yooz look-in, me sneak-y. Us-lot sneaky-take mine-mine-shiny and us-lot zoom-zoom zoom-zoom-zoom-zoom!
We steal it together. You big, me small. You look, me sneak. We get the treasure and we run fast-fast.
You should keep walking. Everyone knows how goblin partnerships end. But he's hopping from foot to foot now, hands raised in what he clearly believes is a solemn oath, and against every instinct you slow down.
You
Swear it, then. No knives, no tricks, no 'oops-oops'.
the goblin
Nope-nope gobby-stabby-gobby-stabby, itsy-promise!
No stabby-stabby, promise!
A goblin promising no stabbing is either the safest partner in the city or the least. Before you can decide which, he beckons you down to his level, checks over both shoulders, and whispers where the sneaky door leads.
Your stomach drops. He can’t mean — he grins wider, all teeth, and whispers it again:
🔒 Untranslated
Mine-mine-shiny sneaky-sleeps undaz-y super-big-boss!